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Narcissists excel at exploiting certain traits and vulnerabilities. Identify and break your patterns.
Nadia's story
When Nadia was 37, she stumbled upon a YouTube video that explored the traits of narcissists. As she watched, a flood of painful memories surfaced—moments with her mother that she had never fully understood until that moment. Tears streamed down her face, as she grappled with a painful truth: her mother exhibited strong narcissistic traits. This realisation was like shattering glass, exposing layers of cognitive dissonance and forcing her to dismantle the pedestal on which she’d always placed her mother. Suddenly, her life made more sense. She could trace the roots of her deep-seated sadness and lingering self-doubt back to a mother who had rarely allowed her to shine.
Nadia slowly noticed a pattern: she had not only grown up with a narcissistic parent, but had also attracted narcissistic partners, a controlling boss, and even a manipulative friend. Each relationship had left her drained and questioning herself, but she had always made excuses for these people, ignoring her instincts and overlooking every red flag. “Why do I attract narcissists?” she texted me recently. And that question inspired this blog post.
Narcissists are highly skilled at identifying and capitalising on certain personality traits and vulnerabilities. By understanding what attracts narcissists and taking steps to break these patterns, you can empower yourself to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
1. Empathy and People-Pleasing Tendencies
Narcissists thrive on attention and validation, making empathetic, compassionate people ideal partners for them. If you're a natural caregiver or someone who deeply feels for others, this can become a double-edged sword. Narcissists are drawn to people who will prioritise their needs, often at the expense of their own.
According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specialising in narcissistic abuse, individuals with high levels of empathy can become prime targets because they’re more likely to forgive or rationalise hurtful behaviour. You may feel compelled to “fix” or “help” the narcissist, believing they’ll change or heal. However, in a relationship with a narcissist, this compassion is often exploited rather than appreciated.
2. Seeking Validation and Approval
People who are drawn to narcissists often have a deep-seated need for validation. Narcissists know how to pull you in with intoxicating affection, compliments, and attention—a process known as "love bombing." At the start, it feels exhilarating to be adored so intensely. But soon enough, this positive reinforcement turns into criticism, neglect, or manipulation.
If you’re someone who feels incomplete without external validation, the love-bombing phase can create a kind of emotional addiction, as you chase the return of that initial attention. This vulnerability makes it difficult to walk away, even when the relationship becomes harmful, because you’re hoping for that approval to return.
3. Unresolved Childhood Patterns and Low Self-Esteem
Childhood experiences can deeply shape the types of relationships we seek. Many people who attract narcissists were raised in environments where love was conditional—something they had to earn by meeting others' needs or expectations. This can create a subconscious belief that love is supposed to be challenging, scarce, or withheld.
Psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin suggests that individuals conditioned in this way are often drawn to narcissists because these relationships mirror the conditional love they received in childhood. The narcissist’s approval, however rare or fleeting, feels familiar, even if it is ultimately toxic.
4. Overlooking Red Flags and Rationalising Behaviour
Narcissists often reveal their true colours early in a relationship through behaviours that indicate control, manipulation, or self-centredness. However, people who are naturally forgiving or optimistic may overlook these red flags, rationalising the narcissist's behaviour with excuses like "they’re just stressed" or "they’ll change over time."
By ignoring these early warning signs, you may unintentionally reinforce the narcissist's belief that their behaviour is acceptable. Over time, you become more deeply entangled, making it harder to step back and reassess.
5. Seeking Excitement and Intensity
Narcissists tend to have charismatic, intense personalities that make them seem exciting and alluring. If you crave novelty, thrill, or passion in a relationship, the narcissist’s grandiosity can feel mesmerising. The “honeymoon phase” with a narcissist often feels like a whirlwind of passion and attention, which can make even the red flags feel less alarming in the moment.
However, this excitement often quickly turns into manipulation or control. The roller-coaster nature of narcissistic relationships can lead to feelings of confusion, guilt, and anxiety, leaving you emotionally drained but clinging to the moments of passion that once defined the relationship.
6. Weak or Unclear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for maintaining emotional and psychological well-being, but if you struggle with setting firm boundaries, this can make you susceptible to narcissistic relationships. Narcissists test and push limits, seeing how far they can go in demanding attention, control, or accommodation. If you find it difficult to say “no” or to assert your needs, the narcissist will continue to push, knowing they can get away with it.
Having weak or unclear boundaries enables the narcissist to take advantage of your kindness, flexibility, and willingness to put their needs above your own. Establishing and maintaining boundaries can protect you from the narcissist’s relentless need for control.
Breaking the Cycle: Tips for Avoiding Narcissists
Develop Self-Awareness: Recognise your patterns. Reflect on past relationships to identify moments when you prioritised others’ needs over your own or rationalised bad behaviour.
Build Self-Esteem: Narcissists feed on insecurity and low self-worth. Strengthening your self-esteem through therapy, self-care, and self-compassion can make you less vulnerable to their charms.
Learn to Set Boundaries: Practice setting boundaries in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Enforce them firmly to protect your emotional health.
Seek Therapy for Unresolved Issues: Therapy, especially modalities like CBT, can help you address past traumas and unmet needs that may be leading you to repeat harmful relationship patterns.
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off in a relationship, listen to that feeling. It’s better to explore your doubts early on than to become entangled in a relationship that could harm your well-being.
Breaking free from these cycles can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. By understanding the traits that attract narcissists and nurturing your own self-worth, you can cultivate relationships based on mutual respect, empathy, and genuine connection.
Sources
Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., "Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist"
Craig Malkin, Ph.D., "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists"
PsychCentral, "Why Empaths and Narcissists Attract Each Other"
Psychology Today, “Narcissistic Relationships and Self-Esteem”
