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A confident and sophisticated looking client who came to me was clearly upset when she recalled how an HR manager had told her that she came across as arrogant (let’s call her Jane). Jane told me she was excellent at what she did, she was hard working and conscientious and friendly in her interactions. She was unable to make sense of the feedback she had received and it continued to hurt her years on. The knowledge that others perceived her in such a light had a profound impact on her self-esteem, shaking her confidence to its core. To begin with, she tried too hard to be friendly and started hyper focussing on her own words, behaviour and what her expressions might look like on the outside. This however started adding to her anxiety and as a result, she became more reserved over time, retreating into herself and experiencing a sense of alienation and isolation in social settings, which only compounded her distress.
The turning point for Jane came during a session when our discussion led towards social anxiety and its manifestations. “That explains everything!”, she said. Jane realised that while she was completely at ease and self-assured when engaged in work-related tasks or presenting in professional settings, she felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness and lack of confidence in social interactions that took place outside the familiar confines of meeting rooms. One of the reasons Jane told me was that she worked in a male dominated industry where she often felt subject to judgment and scrutiny. This slowly led her to adopt a protective strategy of keeping her head down and diligently focusing on her work to avoid drawing attention to herself.
Common manifestations of social anxiety include:
- Overanalysing social interactions afterward and worrying about what was said or done.
- Avoiding situations where one may have to interact with others, such as networking events or social gatherings.
- A constant fear of being judged or embarrassed, even in casual, informal conversations.
- A feeling of unease and discomfort in the absence of alcohol.
- Feeling physical symptoms like sweating, shaking, or a racing heart before or during social interactions.
- Struggling with eye contact or body language in conversations, leading to discomfort or appearing "standoffish" to others.
- Avoiding speaking up in meetings or group settings out of fear of saying the wrong thing.
Jane experienced many of these manifestations without realising it. She was confident when presenting in formal settings but felt her energy drain when faced with casual interactions where she might be judged, especially given her male-dominated work environment.
It is hard for people to imagine that a person who comes across as confident could suffer from social anxiety. However, people can experience social anxiety in one aspect of their life and not another. People who come across as sociable, friendly and fun could be struggling with social anxiety as much as those who come across as shy or quiet.
I used a combination of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Mindfulness and Hypnotherapy to understand the root cause of Jane's anxiety and then gave her all the tools she need to overcome it. Creating new neural pathways is the only way to overcome patterns that we don’t need. Hypnotherapy is the fastest way to create those.
