By
Understanding Boundaries
Anne met Luke at a networking event where he offered to help with the business development side of her new business. They decided to meet for a coffee and chat at Gail's in Richmond the following week. Luke was charming and attentive and had lots of ideas for Anne's business. What was meant to be a coffee meeting, went on for 6 hours. Even though Luke said nothing inappropriate to her that day, Anne knew she had messed it up by not having clear boundaries. Luke asked her out the very next day. Whilst Anne told him that she was unavailable, she continued to interact with him in a friendly way, as, in her mind, there was a bit of a bond that she had formed with him on that first day. Luke continued to ask her out, to push her boundaries in various ways that confused her, and she kept drifting along.
The psychological concept of ‘Boundaries’ refers to the limits we set with others to define what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour in various areas of our lives, which can be physical, emotional, time, material and sexual. As author and retired therapist, Anne Katherine puts it, boundaries are ‘where you end and I begin.’ Boundaries are critical for our psychological well being, as they strive to negotiate the space between self respect and connection, and a key component of self-care.
When we lack of boundaries, it can lead to a variety of physical and mental health issues, including burn out, stress, anxiety and depression. On the other hand, healthy boundaries promote emotional resilience, self-esteem, and overall psychological well-being. However, understanding boundaries and applying them effectively can be challenging.
Here are seven important things you must know about boundaries to help you navigate this crucial aspect of self-care:
1. Boundaries Define Your Personal Limits
Boundaries are not just about saying "no." They are about defining what you are comfortable with in all areas of life—emotional, physical, mental, and even digital, and align with your values and needs. Personal boundaries help clarify what you find acceptable behaviour from others and what crosses a line. By setting boundaries, you communicate your needs and protect your space.
Example: The next time Anne had a networking meeting, she set a clear boundary for herself and the person she was meeting. She announced right at the start that she had another meeting planned 2 hours later and had to get back to her desk by then. She conducted the meeting on her own terms, kept the discussion on topic and avoided sending any confusing messages to the other person.
Key takeaway: Boundaries define where your limits begin and end, helping you express your needs clearly.
2. Healthy Boundaries Strengthen Relationships
Establishing boundaries from the start builds trust and respect. Without them, relationships can quickly become unbalanced or confusing. Contrary to popular belief, boundaries do not push people away. When others know your boundaries, it creates a foundation for a more honest and respectful relationship, whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, or family dynamics.
Example: In a romantic relationship, you may set a boundary around needing personal time to recharge. Instead of creating distance, this boundary can foster understanding and respect, allowing both partners to thrive individually and together.
Key takeaway: Setting boundaries improves communication and respect, strengthening connections.
3. It’s Okay to Say No
One of the key pushbacks I get from my clients is ‘But how can I say ‘No’ to X when they have…’. There may be a number of reasons for this inability to say “no”, ranging from cultural conditioning, past traumas or a personal history of harm or neglect.
So, one of the first things to learn is that it is okay to say no. One of the most powerful ways to set boundaries is by saying "no" when something doesn’t align with your needs or values. It is crucial to understand that saying no is not selfish or rude; it is an act of self-care. Saying yes to everything often leads to burnout, resentment, and exhaustion.
Example: A friend might ask you to look after their child for an afternoon or read and comment on their next literary project, but you already feel overwhelmed with your own responsibilities. By kindly declining, you prioritise your mental health and ensure you’re not overextending yourself. Accepting to do what you don't want to only leads to resentment in your own mind.
Key takeaway: Saying no is essential for self-care and preserving your well-being.
4. You Can Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Many people struggle with guilt when setting boundaries because they fear being perceived as selfish or hurting others. Guilt can be a normal response, especially for those who have been conditioned to prioritise others’ happiness over their own. However, it’s important to remember that setting boundaries is a form of self-respect. It is not your responsibility to manage others' reactions to your boundaries, and it is important to acknowledge the discomfort that comes up and to move through it. Respecting your own needs and setting boundaries allows you to say yes to more peace in your life. Nedra Glover Tawab, therapist and author of ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace, says, ‘’Setting boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.’
Example: Jay had been invited to yet another bachelor party and this time it was in Amsterdam. While he could easily afford it, he had 2 young children and weekends were for his home and family. He felt guilty saying no after the 'boys' just assumed he would be coming and also because the groom-to-be had come for his bachelor party.
Key takeaway: Boundaries are not something to feel guilty about—they’re a necessity for self-respect and inviting peace in your life.
5. Boundaries Require Consistent Reinforcement
Setting a boundary once isn’t enough; it needs consistent maintenance and reinforcement. If someone tests your limits, reinstating your boundary is essential for maintaining respect. People will often test your boundaries, whether knowingly or unknowingly, so it's important to hold firm. Inconsistent boundaries, on the other hand, can lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and even the erosion of trust in relationships. People are more likely to push or disregard your limits if they see that you enforce them sporadically. By being steady in your boundary-setting, you cultivate self-respect and help others understand how to treat you, which ultimately fosters healthier, more respectful interactions.
Example: You’ve told a co-worker that you can’t take on additional projects, but they continue to ask for help. By reiterating your boundary, you maintain clarity and avoid being overwhelmed.
Key takeaway: Boundaries need to be reinforced over time for them to be effective.
6. Healthy Boundaries Are Flexible
While boundaries are vital, they shouldn’t be rigid. Healthy boundaries are based on different contexts and relationships. For example, the boundaries you set with a co-worker might differ from those with a family member. The ability to adjust your boundaries based on the situation can help you remain firm while also being compassionate.
Example: You may set a boundary with a friend about not discussing work during social time, but if they are going through a crisis, you might decide to bend this boundary temporarily to support them.
Key takeaway: Boundaries should be flexible, adjusting to different contexts without compromising your core needs.
7. Boundaries Are About You, Not Controlling Others
One common misconception is that boundaries are about controlling other people’s behaviour. In reality, boundaries are about controlling your own response to situations. You cannot change how others act, but you can control how you allow others to treat you. Boundaries help you protect your energy and emotional health without trying to manipulate others. Boundaries are not meant to be a form of punishment but a form of protection and self-respect.
Example: Anne couldn’t control Luke’s interest in her, but she could control how she responded. By setting and maintaining firm boundaries, Anne could have protected her energy without feeling responsible for how Luke reacted to her refusals.
Key takeaway: Boundaries are tools for managing your actions and reactions, not for controlling others
Boundaries for growth
In case you are wondering what happened with Anne and Luke, they are not in touch anymore. Anne is now a firm believer of setting boundaries right from the start of any new relationship, however uncomfortable it might be at first. She is hoping to find her own voice and values with time as she continues embodying this new behaviour.
In conclusion, boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care and relationship management. They help you protect your energy, ensure your needs are met, and foster healthier connections with others. While setting boundaries can be challenging, particularly when faced with guilt or pushback, the long-term benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort. By mastering the art of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, you create a life that respects both your own well-being and the well-being of others.
